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Joke of the Day

"This might be my ego talking, but I feel my weight-loss spambot followers care about me. They really, really, do."

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"If there's ever an apocalypse, you'll recognize me because I'll be the zombie wearing flip flops"
"Apparently just sitting here on my new lawn furniture drinking my Vodka & minding my business is disturbing to other Target guests."
"Have you ever worked on a farm.. Because you sure know how to raise my cock!"
"Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue."
"My Wife told me to treat her like a princess So I put her in the back of my car and crashed it into a tunnel"
"I need to print some my Facebook friends' status updates on toilet paper so I can wipe my bum with them."
"LISTEN LADY IF YOU DIDN'T WANT ME SITTING ON YOUR BABY YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE CALLED ASKING FOR A BABYSITTER"
"BY COINCIDENCE By coincidence, the mom from Toy Story had adult toys named Woody and Buzz Lightyear"
"I climaxed on a blind girl's boobs yesterday She didn't see it coming"