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Joke of the Day

"Please don't directly insult people on Twitter. Use passive aggressive, indirect insults only, like a damn adult."

"How can you tell the difference between a crocodile and an alligator? One you'll see in a while, the other you'll see later. Credit to Mitch hedburg"

"Today a woman came into my doctor's office with a sexually transmitted mental illness. She was fucking crazy."

"yo mama aint got no ears hollin bout let me hear both sides of da story!"

"Baby, let's configure our hard drives in master and slave position."

"Late 9/11 joke. My dad died during 9/11. He was driving a plane."

"Did you hear about the ice cream man that committed suicide? He topped himself."

"What do you call a screaming timepiece? An alarmed clock."

"A majority of my fortune will be spent accurately recreating the obstacle courses of Nickelodeon shows from my childhood."

"I don't know how to do my own taxes or understand how the stock market works, but definitely listen to my political opinions on everything"