170423

Joke of the Day

"[i get a phone call] ""Hi we'd like to talk to you about your tweets"" ME: Wow thank you but I don't do interviews ""This is the police"""

"Did you hear the one about the lazy redditor?"

"I'm allergic to bears. One bear bite and it's straight to the ER for me."

"I need an emoticon that's stabbing another emoticon in the eye with a pen while repeatedly punching it in its little emoticon balls."

"THERAPIST: what's the problem? WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me ME: I don't do it on porpoise"

"We could save a lot of hassle if we just made macaroni out of cheese in the first place."

"The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling ""woo hoo"", but after that my schedule is wide open"

"It's important even when you're really busy to stop and make time to notice how bad everything is."

"What's Spider-Mans favorite online music app? Spotafly."

"Why are gay men so well dressed? They didn't spend all that time in the closet doing nothing..."