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Joke of the Day

"Did you hear the one...? Did you hear the one about the Concubine and the Muse...? Fucking Inspirational...!!!"

"Fill the pinata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence."

"What idiot called it ""best man"" instead of ""lord of the rings"""

"Me: yes, I'll take the free burger Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one Me: I only want one though, the free one"

"Knock knock. Who's there? Doorbell technician."

"We arrested a troupe of mimes for their unspeakable crimes.... None of them talked. But they did point fingers."

"Mafia Boss: You wearin' a wire? Me: ""Wire"" you asking me that? lol get it [the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]"

"Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans"

"What do you call a 5 year-old with no friends [dark] A Sandy hook survivor. C.o. my fucked up cousin"

"A rule for myself that's worked my entire life: when you hear the garage door open, put your penis away."