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Joke of the Day

"""Don't tell me how to raise my cat!,"" I yell at my 7 y/o daughter who's chastising me for baby birding a tuna sandwich into my cat's mouth"

"People use to laugh at me when I would say ""I want to be a comedian"" Well nobody is laughing now."

"T NOW!"" What do we want? ""MORE TIME TRAVEL JOKES!"" When do we want them? ""RIGH"

"And now, a poem. Roses are red. Violets are blue. Violet is a shade of purple, so you're a lying whore."

"What's the difference between a battery and a women? The Battery has a positive side."

"I told my wife she should call me a champion bullrider... Because I consistently last 8 seconds riding a horned animal."

"Knock knock, who's there? ""Star wars episode IV a new"" ""Star wars episode IV a new who?"" ""Star wars episode IV a new whope"" So bad that it's good?"

"CW: It's 11:11 make a wish. Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face."

"Tree men walk into a bar They order root beer and leaf before paying."

"*standing by the turntables at the club* Her: are you the dj? Me: wha?... Oh, no, I was hoping this was a crepe station"