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Joke of the Day

"Do you know how many 3rd party sects the catholic church is protecting? None, catholics aren't allowed to have protected sects."

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"What is yellow and lives off dead Beatles? Yoko Ono"
"How many Freudians does it take to change a lightbulb? Two. One to change the bulb and the other to hold the penis, father, ladder I mean."
"[talking to my guide dog] this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again [from a nearby speaker] ""FIFTEEN-LOVE"""
"#LanceArmstrong should keep his awards. Last time I tried to ride a bike when I was #stoned I ended up in a ditch."
"Wife just texted me that she is craving Thai... I need a reply"
"If crime doesn't pay... ... than you're doing it wrong."
"I visited you every day in hospital when you were in a coma. They gave me free wifi & coffee, It was the best 2 months of our married life"
"Apparently the norwegian government pays for you to hire convicts I guess there are some pro's to hirin a con."
"You've got 99 problems huh? Boo-Hoo. I have a mortgage and a shitty job. Now go fuck Beyonce in a $300,000 car."