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Joke of the Day

"Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.nnThe word 'follower' should be evidence of that"

"Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom."

"I always have too much month left at the end of my money."

"What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver? A bad golfer goes *whack* ""damn"" and a bad skydiver goes ""damn"" *whack*"

"I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe. It didn't. So I gave it mouth to mouth."

"I always choose Pepsi over Coca-Cola because I prefer my soda dehyphenated."

"I just held the door open for an Asian guy. He said, ""Sank you,"" so I punched him in the face. I can't believe he brought up Pearl Harbor like that."

"I just tried to kill a spider with hairspray He's still alive, but his hair looks amazing."

"I hate jokes that rely on visual imagery. I've had it right up to here with them."

"I went to the library and tried to take home a book on suicide The librarian said ""fuck off, you won't bring it back!"""