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Joke of the Day

"Why should you never trust an atom? They make everything up!"

"Nothing's more embarrassing than that pantsless walk to get more toilet paper. I felt like everyone in CVS was staring at me."

"After the news today, I went to a Chinese restaurant and made a special order... Kung Pao."

"My wife said i was being immature, so i told her to get the fuck out of my fort."

"What's the difference between sperm and lawyers? Sperm have a 1 in 3,000,000 chance to become a human being."

"Friend: Do you have a bird problem? Me: No. Friend: Why is there a scare crow in your compound. Me: Oh that? That's for people."

"Dating tip: if you want a girl to hold you tight, start pushing her off a cliff."

"Why do Jews have big noses? Because air is free. (Stolen from my science textbook)"

"What is mozart doing nowadays? Decomposing"

"I hate waiting in lines. Hurry up and pick a suspect already."