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Joke of the Day

"[watches you eat my bday cake] ""I've poisoned that."" ""Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?"" [leans in & winks] ""Poison."""

"I was in the park wondering why a frisby looks bigger the closer it gets And then it hit me."

"I think I speak for Earth when I say that I'm ready for Justin Bieber to turn to hard drugs and squander his wealth, eventually losing fame."

"Why don't cannibals like to eat Carl Lewis? He gives them runs!"

"What do you get when you spend all afternoon replying to your anonymous feedback on Corpell Anonymous Box? Corpell tunnel syndrome"

"There used to be an ad campaign that said ""go to work on an egg""... I tried that, the egg wouldn't move and eventually it cracked, so I went to work on a bicycle as I usually do."

"Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say ""furbenglurbrn."""

"There's a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart."

"I've recently taken up a class in French Self Defense... It's exhausting, I've never ran so far!"

"Therapist: do u communicate with your kids? Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?"