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Joke of the Day

"Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say ""I love you"" and ""I hate you"" at the same time"

"What's the difference between Rob Ford and a circus sideshow freak? One's a fat, ugly, disturbing waste of money. The other's married to a bearded lady."

"Did you know there's a bird named after a dildo? The wood pecker."

"What do you say to a bunch of worried Trump supporters? ""Don't worry, everything is going to be alt-right."""

"What did the dentist say to the golfer? ""You have a hole in one. """

"The person who invented the word fuck was probably tapped on the shoulder while they had headphones on."

"""So, do you play any instruments?"" Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*"

"If you can be Batman, always be Batman Some people are Jewish, some are Arabs, but I prefer to be Christian Bale."

"The most complicated thing about women is the way their brains don't make any sense."

"My grandpa always told me to watch my health, not my money.. ... one day as I was taking a walk, watching my health, someone stole my wallet. It was my grandpa."