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Joke of the Day

"Welcome to middle age, here's your card. You'll now have a favorite local weatherman and your elbows will never be pointy again."

"Relationship Status: Even my alarm clock stops responding to me after I bang it"

"Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON! Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk? Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we're walking home."

"My kids aren't going to believe in Santa. They're going to believe in a magical Unicorn that barfs the presents under the tree."

"I think a cool anti-hero would be Aeon Netflux ...except during fights she would stop every 2 minutes to ""rebuffer"", and her selection of moves would be extremely limited."

"I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane"

"I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else."

"Why did the noodle take a bow after the recital? He was the vermicellist"

"It's been a rough morning. Picked up my coffee, handle came off. Put on a shirt, button came off. Grabbed my tool box, handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom!"

"What's a terrorists favorite sex toy? [NSFW] A blow up doll!"