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Joke of the Day

"Cop: Ma'am, Are you intoxicated? Me: Are YOU intoxicated! Cop: No Me: Prove it! Cop: *puts handcuffs on me* Me: I like where this is going."

"You know football is a big sport... ...now that you can buy hair gel that gives you the ""Messi look""."

"Q: Why was the blonde so happy after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only six months? A: Because on the box it said From 2 to 4 years."

"So i met a hooker today who said she would do anything for five bucks Guess who got their homework done!"

"[on phone with debit fraud] Bank guy: Sir do you shop on line at all Me: DUDE IT'S 2017 WE BUY TOILET PAPER ONLINE BG: M: Sometimes. Yes"

"The #1 rule of being a successful shirt: Always Be Clothing."

"I think you can all settle down. Its unlikely Instagram will ever find buyers for photos of 20 000 feet and a billion sunsets."

"What did the nurse who knocked on the pregnant lady's door say? Womb Service!"

"What kind of pants does Mario wear? (Super Mario Brothers) *""Denim Denim Denim""*"

"Make sure your worst enemy is not living between your own two ears."