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Joke of the Day

"What would Matthew McConaughey eat if he were a horse? McConaugHAY"

"Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me."

"My brother committed suicide and didn't leave a note. How inconsiderate of him. I mean, would it have killed him to leave a note?"

"As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids."

"Accomplishing the impossible means only that the boss will add it to your regular duties."

"Why don't dentists display their awards? Because they want to prevent plaque build-up."

"What's the difference between a bird, and a bird with only one wing? It's a matter of [a pinion](http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/pinion)."

"For tax purposes, my carpe is now per diem."

"What do you do when your daughter says batman raped her ? Switch to the spiderman outfit."

"I was forced to put my grades up for adoption I just couldn't raise them"