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Joke of the Day

"[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND] 'Oh yeah, I love to cook!' *removes salad from the microwave"

"I'm glad the Founding Fathers aren't alive today because the last thing we need are more old people driving around on the roads."

"Yo mama's so stupid she can't pass a blood test."

"What do you call a guy with eight dicks? A coctopus"

"How is Valve like Uranium-238? By the time they get to the third Half Life 13.5 Billion years will have passed."

"What do you call a bear that will fuck anything? Bi Polar"

"We've secretly replaced Janet's coffee with melatonin capsules. Let's see if okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed..."

"Poor Susie! Q: Why couldn't Susie ride the swings? A: Because she has no arms! Knock knock. Who's there? Not Susie!"

"My son is suspended? Yes, in-school suspension. So he goes to school? Yes, but he's suspended. Suspended IN THE SCHOOL? Yes. Idiot."

"I've consumed three coffees plus two energy drinks with black carrot and what I'm trying to say is there won't be commas in my tweets today."