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Joke of the Day

"Who are the greatest philosophers today? The TSA. They are always asking people, ""Who are you?"", ""Where did you come from?"", ""Why are you here?"", and ""Where are you going?"""

"Broke Up with my girlfriend today It's now shattered, so we'll watch something else tonight"

"Hey Prius owners your entire car is a bumper sticker"

"I was surprised to read that an African doctor treating Ebola patients had died from the disease. Surely he could have stayed a safe distance from the patient while he danced and waved his magic bone."

"Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish."

"What is a twip? A twip is what a wabbit takes when he wides a twain."

"There's no use crying over spilt milk. Particularly skimmed milk. Skimmed milk is watery enough without you sobbing into it."

"What's Hillary's thoughts about her campaign? Iran, Iraq, I lost"

"gf: i'm breaking up with you. me: is it my drinking habits? gf: well it... me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*"

"I accidentally called Nike instead of the suicide hotline They said just do it."