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Joke of the Day

"Well thank you auto correct for changing ""I wish you were here"" to ""I wish you were her"". I didn't wanna have sex anyways."

"I'm good at 3 things: counting and ironic jokes and punchlines."

"I covered myself from head to toe in mirrors today. I don't really know why, maybe I'm just at that age where you do a lot of reflecting..."

"I always say ""I was wondering when you'd find me"" when I get in my car. That way if someone's ever in the backseat I'll look cool as shit."

"My girlfriend had a heart to heart conversation with me today. She said she wanted some time and distance. Cool! She must really want to calculate velocity"

"Joke challenge What's the best mad scientist joke?"

"Part time lover Is any benefit of part time lover. Scheduled time for any"

"What's the difference between Trump and Hitler? Hitler never raped a 13 year old."

"Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive? I just did and I won't be allowed on this airline again"

"officer it's my son's car ""just make it stop sir"" I don't know how ""can you call him"" I'll try *tries to dial while car bounces up and down*"