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Joke of the Day

"Don't sell yourself short, in fact, don't sell yourself at all. I'm pretty sure it's illegal"

"The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana."

"*wife and I start having an argument in a crowded restaurant* *she storms out upset* *I follow* Outside: ""DINE AND DASH SUCCESS!"" *high 5*"

"Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course. The Empire State Building can't jump."

"The other day I walked up to a homeless person. 'Knock knock' 'Who's there' 'I thought you were homeless!'"

"I couldn't figure out why my data wasn't coming out like my classmate's, until I realized I dropped a square root in the formula. I put it back in and re-plotted the data. I saw a radical change."

"Why does the mushroom have a lot of friends? He's a fungi"

"How do fish make calls? On a shellphone! My 7 year old self was very proud of coming up with this one...."

"High-Speed Rail in the US."

"What has two legs and bleeds? Half of your dog...I hit it with my car."