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Joke of the Day

"You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question."

"What's the difference between 9/11 and a hand job? 9/11 was an inside job"

"You think we should see other people? I'm bipolar. I am other people."

"Me: Quit talking down to me like I don't know shit about technology! 12yo: Sorry... Me: That's ok. Now fix the router."

"I went to a zoo, but they only had one animal there. That animal was was a dog. It was a shitzu."

"I just found out that a gay friend of mine is OCD He was the last person I expected to get upset about something not being straight."

"Why did the hipster burn his mustache on his coffee? ...he was totally drinking it before it was cool."

"[restaurant] WAITER: [brings bill] ME: I got this DATE: Thanks ME: [gets out piggy bank] [hits it w/ hammer] [it is filled w/ bees] ME: RUN"

"Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with ""two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips."""

"Just saw a guy checking out my wife. Good luck buddy. I'm married to her and I don't even have a chance."