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Joke of the Day

"*plugs my phone in to charge when it's at 80%* *lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*"

"My body is a temple. I care about it three to five times a year purely out of guilt."

"Why do the Irish have 239 beans in their soup? If they had one more it would be to farty"

"People cry about homeless dogs... Yet it's free to adogt them and no one dogs..."

"Baseball is wrong. A man with 4 balls cannot walk."

"*Semi drifts into my driveway, transforms into a robot and hands me my package.* This Amazon Optimus Prime account was so worth it."

"Taco Bell is planning on doubling the 'meat' in their ingredients. Unlike Cadbury, they're informing us in advance."

"Man goes into the store... ...and he's quite startled by what he sees. The clerk has these great bushy eyebrows. Horrified, the man stutters, ""Can eyebrows your inventory?"""

"[pharmacy] ""Can I help you?"" Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this? *lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*"

"How many nymphomaniacs does it take to screw in a light-bulb? As many as will fit."