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Joke of the Day

"*plugs my phone in to charge when it's at 80%* *lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*"

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"Why are pills white ? Because they work."
"Is it me or.. Is it me or does this place smell like up dog? ""What's up dog?"" Oh nothing much what's up with you?"
"Me: What do you think of my tweets? Wife: They're all pretty terrible. Me: Don't you have ANYTHING positive to say? Wife: You're consistent."
"""I better pee first."" - me, before doing anything"
"How do you spell ""nose"" is Spanish? nose"
"Your family tree must be a cactus because everybody on it is a prick."
"there's a guy with a pt cruiser at the car wash bet it's hard to keep clean when girls are just constantly smashing their pussies against it"
"A 1-2-3 punch of cow jokes **What do you call a cow with 2 legs?** *Lean beef.* **What do you call a cow with no legs?** *Ground beef.* **What do you call a masturbating cow?** *Beef strokinoff.*"
"Accept it. Your parents HAVE had sex before."
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