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Joke of the Day

"[first day as a soldier] Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs Me: where we going? Army guy: to war, soldier Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy"

"Guy goes to the doctor and says, "" I cnat siht!"" The doctor says, ""Clearly, you are having problems with vowel movements."""

"A mom hassles her son to take out the garbage. the boys says ""sheesh, mom you tell me to do that at least once a week!"""

"My FitBit app says I sleep walked 20 steps last night, glad I was asleep during all that damn exercise."

"I told the bank teller that I was changing banks & wanted to open an account ""Great. What's the name of your former bank?"" I said, ""Piggy"""

"What would you call a 90 year old hooker? Ho-spice"

"What does a boy get every month, but a girl doesn't. A paycheck"

"What do you call a vibrating cat? An ocellate."

"A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That's like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot."

"Why did they release Star Wars 4, 5 & 6 before 1, 2 & 3? Because off sequence, Yoda was."