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Joke of the Day

"Starting to carry a clipboard at work just to let folks know I'm not fucking around about shit anymore."

"What do you call someone whose filed bankruptcy 4 times and divorced twice? A GOP Presidential candidate."

"Preacher: God's love is unconditional! Me: Then why is there a hell? Preacher:...... Me: Your move."

"5yo: I want a snack. M: You can have a yogurt smoothie. 5: I NEED CHOICES! M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing."

"Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir? Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods."

"YO MAMA SO STUPID WHEN THEY SAID THAT IT IS CHILLY OUTSIDESHE WENT OUTSIDE WITH A BOWL AND A SPOON."

"Met a girl at the park today. It just felt like there were sparks between us. And as we lay making love a short time later I thought ""Damn, this taser was a good buy."""

"I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself this is the last thing I need."

"Why did the blond snort NutraSweet? She thought it was diet coke."

"As President Roosevelt said: ""We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Chuck Norris."""