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Joke of the Day

"My psychiatrist says we need to work on my intimacy issues but then he's always the one who refuses to snuggle with me on his couch."

"A joke I heard about the greatest story never told"

"How can we call ourselves ""evolved"" when signs are needed to remind people to wash their hands after they go to the bathroom?"

"Yo mama so ugly... ...when she plays Mortal Kombat, Scorpion says ""STAY OVER THERE!"""

"Why are proteins so bad at poker? They always fold."

"Do you feel like a glass of carrot juice? Why? Do I look like one?"

"I did a push-up today. Well, actually I fell down, but had to use my arms to get back up, so close enough. Now I need a beer."

"When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that's my neighbor haha Hi Pam!"

"I've found that most girls make a lot of noise in the bedroom... Usually right after they see me at the window."

"What's the difference between Acne and a Catholic priest? Acne cums on your face after you're 12."