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Joke of the Day

"Truthful Tuesday: Sometimes I just say ""Hello"" back because there are too many witnesses around to stab you repeatedly in the face."

"What is the sexiest pair of lingerie? Your mother's thigh highs and a Freudian slip."

"You know you're getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance."

"[hears a voice in the sky] - Is it you? GOD?! [kneels] Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?"

"I had to give away peeve, my Great Dane. But I don't really care because once he grew up he was my biggest pet peeve."

"When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700. Did I spell something wrong?"

"""Why can't anything be easy?!?"" I moaned as my real-time handheld connection to all the world's information briefly ran slower than usual."

"did you hear the one about the arguing grandfather clocks? one chimed in and other tocked over him. also they were both racists"

"The IOC has claimed that they will catch Olympic drug cheats. I'm not so sure - they're pretty fucking fast."

"My friends laughed at me when I said ""No homo."" Now I have to find some other way to scold my boyfriend."