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Joke of the Day

"A woman goes to the doctor with a nail in her ear 'What's the matter?' asks the doctor. 'I'm listening to metal.' she answers."

"""i'd do anthony for you"" - worst autocorrect fail by me"

"Why didn't the lifeguard save the hippy? He was too far-out."

"So I posted an opposing view on r/The_Donald [removed]"

"What do vegetarian zombies eat? Graiins!"

"Why was the math book sad? It had too many problems."

"My approach to life drives nihilist philosophers crazy... ...but it's beating a dead horse."

"My girlfriend and I were making out on the sofa. Her: Ok let's take this upstairs. Me: Alright. You lift one end and I'll get the other"

"I was fooling around with my new Roomba... I guess you could call it nice, clean fun."

"If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you've clearly never lost close to 500 GB's worth of data on your hard drive."