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Joke of the Day

"Interviewer: ""Your resume says you're paranoid."" Me: ""My resume has been talking behind my back?"""

"NYPD officers accidentally shot two tourists in Times Square, but in the cop's defense, the tourists were about to eat at Olive Garden"

"How many apples grow on trees? All of them"

"What did one tampon say to the other tampon? Nothing, they're both stuck up bitches."

"An Israeli is going through passport control at JFK... The immigration officer asks: ""Occupation?"" The Israeli says: ""No. I'm just visiting."""

"What's the difference between pea soup and roast beef? Anyone can roast beef."

"If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it. Not happy but so be it."

"Do you know the Pistorious drinking game? Every time your girlfriend comes into the room you take four shots."

"Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die."

"I have neighbors who are racist. Whenever we play monopoly, instead of using the hat or thimble I just carve a black family out of wood. They move whenever I land on their property."