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Joke of the Day

"Grammar is super important.. Because I don't want to be the mayor of fucking Austria. I want to be the mayor of [Fucking, Austria.](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fucking,_Austria)"

"*notices ham sandwich while searching inside myself* 'wait, if that's here' *son opens lunchbox to find debilitating existential malaise*"

"1. Be born of a virgin 2. Walk on water 3. Get crucified 4. Return from the dead 5. ??? 6: Prophet"

"I love to hold my wife's hand when we are out. If I let go, she shops."

"How do you make a tissue dance? You put a gun to it's head and tell it to."

"What do you call a fat Mexican? A spic with span."

"Did you hear about the Asian kid who had that one night stand? He had too many books to fit on it"

"GF looking at lines in carpet: Aww, you vacuumed for me? Me: *flashback to me rollerblading in the living room* Sure did, babe."

"Wife: ""Bad day?"" Me: ""Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid."" Wife: ""Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold."""

"Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we'd still be talking about how we're not finding that airplane."