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Joke of the Day

"Poured my cat some almond milk & now she has bangs & drives a Prius."

"Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare* DC: Which room will you be working out in? Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower."

"What's the difference between a lentil and a chickpea? I wouldn't pay $200 to have a lentil on my face"

"Terrorists in Hawaii be like.. ..Aloha Akbar."

"This is my favorite least offensive offensive joke Which football player gets the most wedgies? The tight ends."

"Have you seen the world's biggest thermometer? I hear it's fair in height"

"The new Tattoo parlor across the street is free if you show boobs... ...Tit for tat."

"Your mama's so fat... She broke the branch off the family tree"

"Where do we keep our thoughts detained? In brain cells!"

"Why do chemists love bad jokes? Their jobs get a lot easier when there are no reactions"