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Joke of the Day

"I feel like if there ever was a zombie apocalypse I'm so numb to them at this point I wouldn't even bat an eye."

"HER: Im breaking up with u ME: Is it because I say ""Uh Oh Spaghetti O's"" when things go wrong? HER: Ya ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O's"

"What is Green, Slimy, and smells like Bacon? Kermit's finger."

"Today I saw a Japanese man rushing to the elevator The door was closing, so I held it open for him. He replied with, ""Sank you"". Why did he have to mention Pearl Harbor like that?"

"What's a priests least favorite thing about New Years? The balls drop."

"There are three different types of people in the world... those who are good at math, and those who Just can never grasp it.."

"*swipes left* *swipes left* *swipes left* *swipes left* *swipes left* *swipes left* Wife: STOP TOUCHING MY FOREHEAD!"

"I believe the Pope did what all Catholics are told to do. Pull out early."

"What's one thing Lance Armstrong can still make money from? LIESTRONG bracelets."

"I don't know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me."