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Joke of the Day

"[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl] Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,"

"There is nothing worse than watching the new guy at Subway make your sandwich."

"Therapy Me: she never tells me anything Her: He doesn't listen Me: that's bs gimme an example Her: I'm 8 months pregnant Me: WHOA"

"Why does everyone care who Tom Brady voted for? What we really wanna know is who Ja Rule voted for. WHERE IS JA?!"

"I texted my boss, ""What's the difference between this morning and your daughter?"" He answered, ""I don't know."" I replied, ""I'm not coming in this morning."""

"What does watching golf and a giant spinning dildo have in common? They both bore the fuck out of you."

"A judge recently prosecuted a woman for flashing a man to get ""new ink done"" It was a case of tit for tat"

"Did you hear about the snobby cow? She thought she was a cutlet above the rest!"

"Did you hear Macklemore changed his name? He's Mackle-less now"

"How do you wake up Lady Gaga? You poke her face. I'll see myself out."