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Joke of the Day

"How does a mathematician cure constipation? How does a mathematician cure her constipation? She works it out with a pencil."

"I thought time away from my phone would be good, but then I thought of a tweet & had to write it on a Post-it note like some fucking savage."

"Where was the male lion's favorite vacation spot? Maine"

"What's the difference between me and an egg? An egg gets laid."

"Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they'll have a friend to play with Fact: They'll fight. Every hour. Every day."

"What is the best joke you have heard? Any best joke"

"I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high. What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!"

"...and then the whiskey whispered ""You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed."""

"My Friend Told Me His Girlfriend Talks a lot in Her Sleep.. ..Apparently ""I Know"" wasn't the right answer."

"Cop: we know you're in there. Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France. Cop: when will you be back? Me: je ne comprends pas"