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Joke of the Day

"DOROTHY: What do these shoes do? GLINDA: Send you home D: Lame [tries new pair] And these? G: Wait- D: [clicks heels] [turns into hamburger]"

"I couldn't remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half"

"If you want to setup a company and run it Then that's your business."

"""Are you cold?"" *People who are cold*"

"[FIRST DATE] Me, opening mouth seductively: ""And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a"

"A woman recently tried to flirt with me using a electric mixer. She said she was going to whisk me away."

"Knock Knock Fuck Donald Trump"

"At first I wondered.. How on earth does Hillary Clinton sleep at night? Then I realised - First she *lies* on one side, then she *lies* on the other."

"A talking penguin walked into a bar and the bartender said: ""Hey, we have a drink named after you!"" And the penguin responded: ""Why do you have a drink named Bill?"""

"What is at the bottom of the sea and shakes? A nervous wreck."