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Joke of the Day

"It's nice that lions don't mind looking like 80's rock stars."

"I saw a magician driving through my neighborhood, and then he turned into a driveway."

"My fourth grade teacher told the class to go outside and sit Indian style... so I drank a bottle of vodka and passed out in the street."

"ME: these gummy bears are delicious WIFE: those are daily vitamins ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can't find the remote"

"I took my kids' screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around"

"A drum set falls out of a tree. Ba-dum-tis"

"Yesterday I extinguished a colleague's cigarette at the office with a water pistol. Adds firefighter to resume"

"I got my wisdom teeth out solely to make a cute viral video of what I said coming out of anaesthesia, but I used the N-word too many times."

"How long does it take Putin to give his car an oil change? Nyet long. He's always Russian."

"2 plants are hanging out One says to the other, "" you hungry?"" To which the other replies, ""yes, I could go for a light snack."""