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Joke of the Day

"In porn, large breasted women home alone order a LOT of pizza and never have money. They've lots to learn about nutrition & cash management."

"What kind of books do fruit read? Pulp Fiction"

"If someone says you're a nice person, these things will happen: 1) They will ask you for a favor. 2) You will not get laid."

"A bead of sweat forms on my brow. And another. Intensity builds as I decide my future and embrace it. ""I'll take the maple bar, please."""

"My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it's not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby's ankle."

"""I need to get laid man!""nn- eggs (in the chicken)"

"The Little Mermaid was a hoarder."

"Only in Scotland, will you ever see a man take a piss on a door, then open it and walk inside. (credit: Frankie Boyle)"

"""I think you should hire a contractor. . .some of this looks load bearing."" - me, when asked to ""raise the roof"" at parties. . ."

"Justin Timberlake was a devout christian during his N-Sync days. He was always reading his Bye Bye Bible."