158994
Joke of the Day
"I burnt my Hawaiian pizza today I guess I should've cooked it on aloha temperature"
Next Joke
"""So how was your date?"" I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much ""That wasn't a good idea"" Yeah well, hindsight is 1"
"A giant lizard rebuilds Japan and the moonwalks into the sea. #ReverseAFilmPlot"
"How did the Burger King get the Dairy Queen pregnant? He forgot to wrap his whopper."
"What is the difference between God and a police officer? God doesn't think he's a police officer."
"I'm gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I'm about to win."
"I went to the zoo - it only had one animal, a small dog. It was a shitsu"
"[on a Speed date] pop quiz hotshot, if this date goes below 50 mph it explodes [her] that makes no sense [I mouth a tiny explosion sound]"
"""Can I watch you open it?"" -Weird UPS guy"
"My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he's swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years.."