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Joke of the Day

"I took the batteries out of my carbon monoxide alarm... ...the loud ringing noise from it was giving me a headache and making me dizzy."

"A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It's like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes."

"What happens to an Asian guy when they run into a wall with a full erection? They break their nose!"

"I don't know why they call them drug deals... That shit's expensive!"

"You should go to all your friend's funerals... ...otherwise they won't come to yours. EDIT: NOT MINE, a friend told me this one, he also heard it on the radio but doesn't know which context."

"Cinderella walks into a bar... ""I'd like a glass of shoes, please"""

"I was actually president of the anti-voting club in high school ... I never got re-elected"

"A governor is being inaugurated and there are snipers on buildings and based on my work in video games I'm offended I wasn't asked to help."

"What do you call a dog who loves to be dominated? A sub woofer. Thank you & God Bless"

"What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver? A bad golfer goes: *whack* ""Dang!"" A bad skydiver goes: ""Dang!"" *whack*"