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Joke of the Day

"I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state."

"The doorbell rings... A man opens the door and there's his mother-in-law on the front step. She asks, ""Can I stay here for a few days?"" The man says, ""Sure you can."" And shuts the door."

"Apologies to Rudyard Kipling but . . . If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs. . . . maybe you don't understand the gravity of the situation."

"Terrible advice for a suicide survival hotline: If at first you don't succeed..."

"Q: What do you call a snake that makes a lot of noise when it eats? A: A slurpent."

"Why do terrorists recruit married men as suicide bombers? They're easier to convince."

"I think my bank is trying to get me to become a gymnast. They keep sending me letters about my outstanding balance."

"Hold.. Hold.. Hold.. CHARGE!!!!! -Ice at the bottom of a glass"

"If you visit a city, make sure you buy a T-shirt with that cities name on it so people know you went to that city."

"stared at the sun to long trying to get my transition lenses to change but forgot I dont wear glasses. major headach now"