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Joke of the Day

"Heard about the seafood diet? You see food and you eat it."

"What's the best thing about screwing twenty one year olds? There are twenty of them."

"I'm impressed with my mom's commitment to saying the word 'the' before every noun. Example: the Walgreens, the AIDS, the Fox News, the Adele"

"My wife told me to take a spider out instead of killing it... We went out and had drinks. Cool guy, he wants to be a web designer."

"Cop: You there! Hands over your head! Me: *raises hands* *30 avocados fall out of shirt* Cop: Holy guacamole!"

"It's Thanksgiving week in the U.S., but all I'm hearing is... ...everyone's Russian to get Turkey."

"My life is just like Black Swan, except replace ballet with reruns of Teen Mom and Mila Kunis with a carton of ice cream."

"Let's have some fun! I'm up for anything today!* *As long as there aren't too many stairs."

"Yeah, it IS true that migrants do the jobs you don't wanna do. Like being a suicide bomber."

"Did you know an NFL player was the first to land on the moon? He planted a flag, but a ref came by and picked it back up."