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Joke of the Day

"me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they're the size of Australia"

"My wife is such an air-head I told her not to turn her head away after giving me a blowjob, but she didn't listen. It went in one ear and out the other."

"I recently bought one of those Dutch ovens, but everything I cook ends up tasting like farts."

"Local humor How can you tell a chemist from a plumber? Ask them to pronounce ""unionized""."

"Interviewer: why did you leave your last job? [flashback to me trying to sword fight all the customers at Toys R Us] Me: discrimination"

"""You know what they say about blind prostitutes?"" ...""You've really got to hand it to them."" -Fred Willard"

"I'm 82 and I have the body of a 25-year-old supermodel. But it takes up too much room in my freezer... any suggestions?"

"Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap."

"Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?"

"Why can't blondes finish software updates? They can never find the ""any"" key."