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Joke of the Day

"Rum: ""Drink me."" Me: ""No, I'll get a hangover."" Rum: ""Nah, you'll get funnier and better looking!"" Me: ""Really?"" *drinks* Rum: ""Sucker."""

"I've set my phone to airplane mode to add more realism to the nausea and turbulence I experience at work."

"Did you hear about the guy who jumped off a tall building and fell through a manhole? He commited sewercide"

"Why did the cowboy sleep with his saddle? In case of any night mares!"

"[Ghost Hunters] This ghost is a male, probably in his 40's -how'd u figure that out? He went bat shit crazy when we turned the thermostat up"

"[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected] camera guy: don't try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it"

"Patient: Doctor I get the feeling that people don't give a hoot about anything I say. Psychiatrist: So?"

"Omg! Leonardo DeCaprio! Wanna hear a joke about the Oscars? Never mind, you probably won't get it anyways..."

"Why was Bob Marley fired from being a tennis announcer? Because he kept calling ""One Love"""

"What do you call the Mexican version of the NSA? Jalapeno Business..........."