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Joke of the Day

"Well I failed my driver's test today. The instructor asked me what I do at Red lights, and I said, ""Text and Facebook"""

"I was carrying some spaghetti as I walked past a priest.. You could say I moved some pasta past a pastor."

"9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there's no wifi"

"When I die, I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like Fidel Castro ... ... not screaming in terror, like his victims."

"Can't you see I'm on an important phone call with a host from QVC?"

"Rejected Disney Movie Titles: 1) Find My Fish Son 2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs 3) Peter Pot 4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face 5) It's Cold"

"What's the difference between Karate and Judo? Karate is a martial art, and Judo is what they make bagels from."

"When did the gay atheist become religious and started praying? When the gunman walked into the club he was in and started shooting and the doors were locked."

"What do hot cups of coffee and crazy women have in common? You shouldn't stick your dick in it, and you always regret it when you do."

"Fortune teller told me that I will be fucked by a beautiful lady today, and damn he was right a pretty mail lady just handed me over an audit letter from IRS."