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Joke of the Day

"I wanna get HAMMERED tonight. Seriously? Yeah, drunk as hell, bro. Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*"

"Fine, you drive. I won't tell you how. I'll just yell WE'RE GONNA DIE WE'RE GONNA DIE! I'M GONNA THROW UP AND WE'RE GONNA DIE til we arrive."

"What did the DNA say to the RNA? Uracil-y structure!"

"Just changed someone's ""fun"" name in my phone back to their normal name to regain some control over my life."

"""POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP."" Show me a badge. *cop gets badge out* I didn't say Simon Says. ""Let's go home guys. Sorry, my fault."""

"I wouldn't say I was going bald, but.... When I asked my barber to cut my hair, he replied, ""which one?"""

"Why is Donald Trump's pet bee so unwilling to share information? It's a cagey bee."

"I saw my ex girlfriend broken down with two flat tires this morning which made me late for work... Nine times I drove past before she noticed me laughing at her."

"They said when pigs fly.. But the swine already flu"

"At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, ""This is why we don't talk to strangers on the internet."""