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Joke of the Day

"I made my girlfriend cry the other day. I called her son a bloody disappointment. Apparently she's very sensitive about her miscarriage."

"Why is it so hard to give up fizzy drinks? That shits like liquid Coke!"

"i don't think i'll ever get the recognition i deserve for being the world's biggest pessimistic narcissist"

"What do you call two Filipino pilots? A pair of pliers"

"Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis? A. At a secondhand store."

"You guys! I'm so excited, I just hooked up with my crush from middle school. ...but now she keeps calling me expecting me to show up at her graduation."

"How do you make a Jewish omelette First off all Borrow 6 eggs."

"My sister was with two men in one night. She could hardly walk after that. Can you imagine? Two dinners!"

"""NSFW"" Why do you put a baby in a blender feet first? So you can cum on its face afterwards."

"This woman at work sounds just like me. I'm going to pay her to call my Mom and occasionally say mmhmm and how nice."