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Joke of the Day

"CRIMINAL: You can't arrest me if you can't see me. BABY COP: God damn, I wish I understood the concept of object permanence."

"*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN'T LOCALLY SOURCED *sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*"

"I said ""no"" to a lot of things this year without giving them a chance. In 2016 I plan on saying ""maybe"" more and then changing it to ""no""."

"My friend Tommy drowned the other day... At his funeral, we placed a lifejacket on his coffin. It's what he would have wanted..."

"*accidentally deletes a tweet* MY LITERATURE!"

"Whats the difference between a jeweler and a jailer? One sells watches and one watches cells."

"I keep missing my ex-girlfriend. But my aim is getting better."

"Did you hear about the man who was found dead shortly after insulting one Mr. T Crews? He died of dissin' Terry."

"I've grown an interest with Mussolini's Italy. I guess you can call it a fascistnation."

"What do you call a group of Vigilante Aussie Nuns? Birds of Pray"