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Joke of the Day

"[TIL] Subway uses artificial chemicals to keep their bread fluffy! Ooops, wrong sub!"

"Dear Microsoft Office Word I am pretty sure I spelled my name correct"

"coworker: those are some crazy socks me: well I guess th- socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE"

"I've decided to become a raw carnivore... I guess you can say I'm going cold turkey"

"I was in bed with a woman and she said, I want tonight to be magical And it was. After we had sex, I disappeared."

"Yelling at a dog... Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn't work. The dog just probably thinks, 'Awesome, now we are both barking!'"

"[with father in law] ""You know how to pluck a goose, son?"" Er yes sir, sure do *stretches goose's neck and plays it like a double bass*"

"The Drummer for Def Leppard's only got one arm. Chuck Norris needed a back scratcher."

"Ran into my ex the other day Then I put it in reverse. Then I ran her over."

"Why did the TSA hire a dentist? to help with the cavity searches"