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Joke of the Day

"People can be so easy to read... ...like if their face is red, they're embarrassed. Or if their skin is brown, they're about to commit a crime."

"Rap videos are completely unrealistic. Nobody has that many friends"

"Me: Hi Kid: M: Still? It's been a week K: YOUR FIRST INSTINCT DURING A CAR ACCIDENT WAS TO PROTECT YOUR PHONE! M: You didn't die. Calm down."

"Why do scuba divers fall into the water backwards off the boat? Because if they went forward they'd be in the boat"

"Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives. Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals."

"Pretty woman wouldn't have been as sweet of a love story if we saw all the times she sucked c**k for money weeks prior."

"I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule."

"I have a vegan girlfriend... and she's nice and all, but sometimes I think she just looks at me like a piece of carrot"

"I saw an alarming stat the other day. Apparently 25% of women are taking medication for some sort of mental illness . . . That means that 75% of women are walking around unmedicated!"

"The difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer is in the taste."