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Joke of the Day

"What's the difference between 8:45 am and 10:45 am? Around 3000 people"

"No wonder I'm waiting for my Prince His white horse has ended up in the lasagna"

"Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? A: Rename the mail folder to ""instruction manuals"""

"I used to speak in Fleetwood Mac quotes, but I stopped... ...and I'm never going back again."

"Movies are so unrealistic. This guy's using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe."

"Wer is there **knock knock** *Who's there* Dewey *Dewey who* Dewey have to use a condom"

"If it wasn't for my incredible willpower, I would be exercising right now."

"I hate it when people don't close parentheses. (They're brackets by the way"

"Then Satan said, ""Let's convince everyone they need to go gluten free."" And that kids, was the Christmas fiasco of 2015."

"Good Cop: *reaches for his gun* Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*"