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Joke of the Day

"To avoid looking at the glass as half empty or full, i drink straight from the bottle."

"[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work] So the actors really don't die? ""No"" So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead? *she sighs*"

"Why do people shoot up schools? Because it increases the average IQ of the world. It's a public service."

"hey honey... ... you remember that really posh restaurant we ate at? 'sure... i guess so' ... what about that one time i undercooked the chicken? 'YES. EVERY DETAIL'."

"I'm the daughter of Ned Stark! Arya?"

"i went to middle school with a kid named jonathan math. poor dude was HORRIBLE at math. the expectations of his last name weighed too heavy"

"Welcome to Skagway where the population always remains the same. Every time a child is born, a man leaves town."

"Spoiler Alert: Ladies ,if your guy friend gets you a teddy bear it has a Camera in it."

"I was at my local home improvement store yesterday And I was looking in the window section. An employee came over and asked if I needed any help, I responded ""No thanks, I'm just window shopping."""

"What do you call coffee made from coal? Tarbucks."