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Joke of the Day

"THERAPIST: Your notes say that you ""scare easily"" and are ""quite disagreeable"". ME: *from behind the couch* That's not true."

"What's red and fucks old ladies? Me, in my lucky red jacket."

"So Zayn quit the band? His life is obviously taking on a new direction..."

"What did the baby light bulb say to it's mommy? I wuv you watts and watts!"

"Why don't kleptomaniacs ever get puns? The take everything, literally."

"God gave us the brain to work out problems. However, we use it to create more problems."

"How does a Welshman find a sheep in a field of tall grass? Pleasing."

"I love horror movies until it's time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down."

"ME: You're a silly sausage aren't you? SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that's not what defines me."

"""Mom, what does married mean?"" Taking naps together ""Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?"" No, that means he's getting divorced"