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Joke of the Day

"Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this."

"What do you call a chef who's stingy with herbs? PARSLEYMONIOUS"

"""Could you take a couple steps back. I have a nut allergy."""

"What do you call an Italian at the World Cup Finals? A referee"

"There are 2 kinds of people in this world; 1. People who like math A. People who hate math 3. People who really don't understand math"

"ME: genie, i wish i was dead GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left ME: i dont think u understood"

"Q: Why do women have tits? A: So men will talk to them."

"Cabbies, stop acting like paying with a credit card is the worst thing to happen to you since you were a child soldier in your homeland."

"Q: What's the difference between David Beckham and an airplane model kit? A: One's a glueless kit and the other's a clueless git!"

"If I ever had a heart transplant I would want my ex's because it's never been used"