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Joke of the Day

"Are you from Iraq? Because I wanna see you Baghdad ass up"

"When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife."

"My friend would be alive today... if we knew the difference between antidote and anecdote. >""Am I going to live?"" >""I don't know."" >""Read faster!"""

"I started a band with my dog. He barks while I eat Cheetos. It's indie, you wouldn't get it."

"Why did Hu wind-up worse off than Yu? Because Hu died and made Yu king. Hu died and made Yu king? Isn't that what I just said?"

"Emailing professors be like Me: *polite greeting, multiple paragraphs, perfect grammar* Professor: ""sure"" -sent from my iPhone"

"The first rule of tautology club... Is the first rule of tautology club."

"damn girl are you a mouse because your body is decomposing in my drywall"

"I'm not afraid that the world is going to end.... I'm afraid that it isn't going to change...."

"My nipples are sore but I know I don't have a baby in the oven because I took the baby out when I had to put the pot roast in."